one thing I learned from my ex
“Use your words, Justine.”
That’s what my last boyfriend used to say to me whenever we had an argument. Here I thought body language, sudden silence, scorn, and heated telepathic messages were enough to communicate dislike and work through disagreements with your partner... Cue (one of) my current growth areas.
Apparently, no one knows how I feel unless I tell them – with words. Not words that act like umbrellas over what I really want to say, hiding subtext and subtly beneath the sounds that come out of my mouth (which is unfortunate because I am a master at that) but words that clearly state how I feel.
If it sounds simple, then you might not be getting it.
Being able to clearly state how I feel requires:
multiple deep breaths
pauses in conversations that sometimes last for days
a willingness to be brutally honest and compassionate with myself at the same time
the belief that my feelings are valid
the belief that my feelings are worthy of being shared
a willingness to engage with conflict and hold tension.
Oh, and it also requires a keen awareness of my body and the sensations flowing through it. In other words, you have to know what you feel before you can share it. So rather than moving through the world in reaction mode, you have to stop, flip the script, take 10 steps back, and assess. This takes practice. It might even take a lifetime.
However, when I do the prep work, muster up the courage to speak, and actually use words to express what is hidden in the dark, tight corners of my heart, it feels like a terrifying but magical release. As if gears are switching and clicking into place so my insides can match my outside.
Be it telling your mom you’re not coming home for Christmas this year, asking your boss for a raise, being the first to say I love you, or telling your best friend she hurt your feelings, the opportunities to practice are endless.
Before you open your mouth and let out everything you’ve been holding in, consider this:
Just because you choose to ‘use your words’ in a healthy way doesn’t mean others will want to receive them or reciprocate.
It also doesn’t mean you can use your words to avoid heartbreak, disappointment, loss, or harsh realities that may be revealed during conflict or confrontation. But it means you get to live in alignment and alignment lets you sleep at night. It lets your nervous system stabilize, and allows emotions to move through you rather than accumulate and manifest as sickness, anxiety, regret, or physical tightness and pain in your body.
I was already a lover of words, but if I wasn’t that might just convert me.
to words & learning how to use them,
(and exes that make you better),
J
Reflection
What do you need to ‘use your words’ to express?
How can you use words to stay in alignment with yourself this holiday season/end of year/lifetime?
Would it help to write out how you feel and what you want to say before having a hard conversation?